I spent most of my high school years really hating cheerleaders.

I hated their little pleated skirts, their cliquishness and most of all, I hated their cartwheels. Of course, they didn’t notice me hating them; they didn’t notice me at all.

Being careful not to get what you wish for is nothing compared to being careful not to hate something so much the gods cannot resist a good laugh at your expense. Which is what must have been going on when my 14-year-old daughter announced she was trying out for the high school cheerleading squad. I tried to be supportive, but secretly I was seething. Was this her way of sticking it to me? Did she deliberately set out to become an anachronism just to prove that mothers like me can spawn cheerleaders in spite of our best intentions?

Everyone who knows me well has gotten a small chuckle out of my predicament when this daughter of mine actually made the squad. Not only am I the mother of a cheerleader, it gets worse. I am a cheerleader mother. These mothers speak a certain code. Most of them were cheerleaders in their former life, the life they miss a lot. They understand things like when the gift maximum is $5 per gift, it really means $15 per gift. The secret, underworld cheerleader mother code is incomprehensible to me. I am always one step off the beat, one gift short, one sock missing and one daughter late enough she has to run a mile as punishment for a bad mother.

“But why do you want to be a cheerleader?” I ask her, exhausted by another cheerleader mother meeting where we plan endlessly for camp and order objects like matching, monogrammed pom bags.

It’s a sport now, I am informed. It’s less about cheers and more about winning competitions with complicated pyramid formations and gymnastic displays. What football team? It’s also about injuries and torn, sprained, wounded body parts. It’s not for sissies but it’s also not where the popular girls hang out.

“What?” I exclaim. “It’s not about being popular?”

I narrow my eyes and get in my daughter’s face. “What is it about then?”

She answers as honestly as a 14-year-old can answer.

“It’s about the skirt.”

Like mother, like daughter?

Admit it. You get pregnant, have a kid, and you figure it’s going to be somewhat like you. Take it a little further and you hope it has your good qualities and none of your fatal flaws, Achilles heels or irritating, obsessive-compulsive disorders. You secretly hope her hair is either blond or brunette but not the muddy dirt color yours would be, if yours were yours, that is. You wouldn’t mind if she tanned naturally so you didn’t have to freak about sunburns and all that.

A nice voice would be nice. A sense of rhythm would not be too much to hope for. Other things, math ability, kind heart, curious mind and if you are really lucky, not too much of an overbite. I know, I know, 10 fingers and toes and the right amount of chromosomes would take precedence over all of the above. Let’s just say that’s understood.

Watching her personality emerge is like opening a beautifully wrapped present; ribbon by bow, by paper, by box, by tissue and there it is. Not a lot changes. SAT scores inch up or down slightly, hair color darkens or lightens and the ability to laugh at oneself becomes apparent. Qualities flicker before they take hold, but the adult is plainly visible in the teenager. It’s not a finished product, but it’s lurking there.

I can already see that she is easily amused, kind to animals, disinterested in gossip, curious about relationships, weak in math, strong in language and absolutely awesome in shop, where she can take apart an engine and put it back together again.

Her cartwheel is perfect and her back handspring suitable enough to win a spot on the coveted squad. None of which, I ought to mention, comes naturally. I have sat in the waiting room of gymnastic workshops for years as she has willed her splits and handsprings through rigorous training and determination without an ounce of natural ability. I am in awe of such determination to change the course of nature.

But this is not the daughter I had in mind. A daughter of mine ought to be gawky, bookish and unable to clap to the beat of the music. I just don’t understand how the gene blender produced her. She’s a beloved alien. Her perfect posture, quick smile and glossy black hair, combined with her ability to do things easily, would never qualify for daughter of mine. There’s just not a recognizable trait that could link her to me. She doesn’t possess the paralyzing shyness, awkward gait, discordant drummer that led me through my adolescence.

Lessons from a high-school reunion

And now she’s the anti-me. The daughter who will make geeks like I was twist with envy as she flips her way down high school hallways, effortlessly swirling her pleated skirt in their wake. They will work harder, diet more relentlessly and hope, by the night of their 20-year reunion, that she has gotten fat, sluggish, divorced and depressed so they can gloat and reclaim their belief that they were something in spite of her.

I went to my 20-year high school reunion really hoping the aged cheerleaders would be fat, boring, black-rooted, multi-married frumps who never quite got over being popular in high school. The cheerleaders looked 20 years older and,  unfortunately, most of them looked pretty darn good. Some had traded their cheerleader skirt for a tennis skirt, but others were lawyers, doctors and Indian chiefs. There was no revenge of the nerds. Everyone was still the same, just older, more gray, thicker and less anxious to fit in. I asked most of my classmates the same question. Did you like your high school years? The answers were surprising. Almost everyone said they felt insecure, left out and unnoticed. I was expecting to hear strains of Springteen’s Glory Days, but instead, it was Janis Ian, At Seventeen. It seemed that everyone thought everyone else was having a blast — especially the cheerleaders.

I left wanting to share my new-found wisdom with the miserable, unnoticed teenagers I know. I want to prove to them that it all works out, gets better and that nobody is as happy as you think they are in high school. But they wouldn’t believe me, would they?

While driving to practice, I urge my daughter to be kind to others, to think of her little pleated skirt as a privilege, something that comes with a price tag she doesn’t even know about yet. And she turns those black-fringed eyes upon me and says that she is nice to everyone.

I believe her. At the reunion I can honestly say that all the cheerleaders were nice to me. It was a shocking revelation when I finally realized it. Even that night of hugs and do-you-remembers, nobody was not nice. After all, acts of malice are rare and isolated; it is the brutality of indifference that leaves its mark.

So I figure I’ve given the wrong message after all. I haven’t imprinted my cheerleader with the right legacy she ought to leave.

Next carpool, I will tell her to forget about being nice to everyone and to notice them instead.

While you may be going totally gung-ho over your new exercise routine, meticulously sticking to your diet and exercise routine, reading up all you can and even enjoying yourself doing it all, it is important to know the difference between how much of what you read is hype and how much of it is the truth. So here are a few gospel dos and don’ts that you should hold sacred at every routine…

Do get crunching (your abs that is)

The abdominals are composed of four sheets of muscles that work cooperatively, so if you want to see results you have to strengthen all four muscles. The key is to isolate the stomach muscles and, using the right techniques, simultaneously strengthen your back for better balance and posture.

Don’t over-exercise

Walking too hard can lead to injuries. An exhausted mind and body weakens the immune system making it prone to infections, colds and the flu. In addition, technique and posture are poor in a tired body. For maximum benefit at minimum injury risk, the body needs to rest and recover. After a heavy muscle workout a 24-hour rest period is advisable.

Do lift weights

At age 35, you start losing a small amount of bone each year. When you lift weights, one increases one’s bone density and lean body mass. Do full body strength training at least twice a week.

Don’t get bored

After doing a particular routine like aerobics, gym every day for a number of years, it’s easy to lose motivation. Cross-training prevents boredom, develops new muscle groups and helps prevent injuries caused due to overuse of muscles.

Do str-r-r-r-retch

Stretch your big muscles — quadriceps, hamstrings, calves and back — before and after a workout. Stretching will result in better performance. Flexibility is one of the most important factors of fitness.

Don’t dehydrate yourself

When exercising, the body needs water every 20 minutes to replace water loss. Always avoid caffeine or alcohol when exercising, both of which further dehydrate the body.

Do warm-up and cool down

A low impact warm-up before any exercise routine is essential. It warms the muscles, makes them limber and easier to stretch, which results in a better workout. It also helps to prevent injury.

Cooling down after exercising is also important as it relaxes the muscles, lowers the heart rate, and helps the body to recover from the stress of a workout.

Don’t starve yourself

It’s important to determine a healthy weight and stay there, because studies show that people who repeatedly gain and lose a couple of kilograms have a higher risk of chronic illnesses like heart disease.

Do de-stress (establish anti-stress strategies)

It is important to have an outlet to de-stress and get away from the strains of modern living. Whether you jog, walk, meditate or do yoga, it’s important to find a way to slough off stress regularly.

Don’t push an injury

Listen to your body. If you feel pain, stop. Muscle and joint pain can mean many things — pushing a small hurt can lead to big problems later on. If pain persists more than a few days, see a doctor.

Do start gradually 

Any exercise programme should be structured, systematic and progressive. If you exercise too much, too fast and too hard — you are prone to injury. So build up from a moderate beginning.

Don’t ignore your footwear

Wearing appropriate footwear can significantly reduce the risk of injury. Find comfortable shoes, appropriate for your activity, so that you can get the right kind of support that you require for your foot.

These are just a few tips on how the body works, what fitness entails and how to keep going once you’ve started your active lifestyle. Everyone can exercise, but it must be enjoyable and should fit in with your daily routine so that you are motivated to keep it up.

My 13-year-old daughter is blessed with uncommon beauty. The first time I noticed my child standing out from the crowd was at her ballet recital. She came on stage and people around me began whispering, “Look at her. What a beauty.” I was shocked to see the beauty they were referring to, the tall girl with long, shiny, dark hair, olive skin and dancing black eyes, was mine.

Her beauty has side effects. She gets called on more in class and is perceived as “smarter” than some of her less attractive classmates. Salespeople give us extra attention. Adult friends speculate on what she will look like when she’s 16. Her father shakes his head with worry when teen-age boys turn and watch her walk. Total strangers come up to us in malls and grocery stores and say, “Your daughter is so beautiful.” We smile and try to be gracious. She is embarrassed, and I try to deal with my panic.

Panic? How on Earth could there be a single thing wrong with having a beautiful daughter? It’s what the magazines, books and movies all recommend for perfect happiness. It’s proven that good-looking job candidates get the position over less attractive ones. Beauty, complete with slender body type, is one’s ticket to anything.

But I fear for her. I fear that she will consider her beauty as something she has “accomplished” rather than something she has been born with. After all, she receives more compliments for her shiny hair than for her performance in academics. She is praised for her sparkling eyes more than her ability on the championship softball team. And she’s aware that boys are watching her. Aware, embarrassed and intrigued.

Meanwhile, I watch her too. Careful to pounce when she spends more time in front of the mirror than curled up with a book. Quick to put down her requests for clothes and accessories. Overboard with encouragement in sports and math. I am happy she perceives herself as attractive. So many of her friends are already mourning the gene-pool lottery. Most of her girlfriends are veterans of Sugar Busters and stare silently as my daughter opens a candy bar or crunches potato chips. I see it in their eyes. I can remember what it felt like to be the only one ordering mashed potatoes.

At 13 years old, her friends are figuring out that she’s getting a free ride and they have to ante up the admission price. She’s unaware of their envy, but I am not.

I am a realist, and I know that my daughter’s physical beauty will provide her with a foundation for lifelong self-esteem. It will also open doors, smooth paths and help win friends. But it carries its own price tag — one not everyone can see and that may not come due for years. Why feel angst over what appears to be a blessing?

The answer is due to the nature of physical beauty; the danger of relying on that beauty and the despair when physical beauty goes. She is so young. There is still the chance that puberty will kick her around. She may develop acne, put on weight, become awkward. She may be one people remember as that once beautiful child, shaking their head with pity for beauty lost. She may lose her beauty in other ways such as a car accident, disease, a change in society’s standard of beauty.

There are tragedies associated with putting all your eggs in one beauty basket. She may find so much gratification in merely being beautiful that she doesn’t develop into the fine person she should become. She may focus her young growing years on ways to become more attractive, more appealing, thinner. She may never get over being beautiful at 13.

“She should go into modeling,” said the sales woman as I completed my purchase. I stopped writing a check, my pen held midair. “She wants to be a teacher,” I replied, icy with anger, out of proportion to the kindly remark.

I want to tell strangers to stop commenting on my daughter’s looks. I want boys to notice her sweet spirit, and I want our society to start a beauty contest with criteria such as good nature, values, kindness and ability to achieve goals other than displaying beauty. But that is only a wistful dream. Beauty will always be valued, and the loss of beauty will always be mourned.

I know women who have devoted their lives to retaining beauty. They go from plastic surgeon to dermatologist to aerobics class. They define their existence by attempting to stay beautiful and young. Models in fashion magazines have bodies closer to my daughter’s than to the women who will buy the clothes. In a society that labels a 13-year-old as a perfect beauty, all others need not apply.

I was considered beautiful, once. Total strangers used to tell me I would be a great beauty when I grew up. In my deepest core, I believed them. It was a source of self-esteem and also one of insecurity. Did I get the job because I was attractive or because I was smart? Did the guy ask me out for me or to show me off?

I was always fearful of too-handsome men; they had it too easy and were too used to having attractive girl friends. While my girlfriends would pine for David Cassidy or Bobby Sherman, my fantasies evolved around the Hunchback of Notre Dame or the Phantom of the Opera. I would have been a sucker for an Internet romance, where someone would get to know me for me. I never knew for sure, and it was not the kind of question that would endear me to friends. When they were bonding with the grapefruit diet or Weight Watchers, I would be in the library, reading history and biographies, left out of the circle of chicks and looking for things to dream about.

Now, I can view the whole thing with a wry smile. It was fun while it lasted; it opened doors and closed some too. I may have missed out on a Phantom because he judged me by the cover. Now, as time marches through my body, bringing gray hair and laugh lines, I do know one thing for sure. There is one truth I want my young beautiful daughter to know, to spare her the pain of believing otherwise.

Beauty goes.

Plan for 1890s decadence this fall

Fashion follows a pattern of predictable reversals to keep itself fresh. If this summer’s girl was a lusty peasant in flared cuffs, folksy denim and leather, then her sequel is bound to be a prim Princess in tailored velvet jackets and knee high boots.

Hard looks follow soft ones, long skirts follow short and bizarre little twists unnerve enough to keep us shopping for seasonal pieces. If you’re smart you’ll make tiny changes to update your wardrobe and ignore the more outlandish (and expensive) urgings of the glossies. One beautifully cut jacket and a great pair of boots are THE style survival basics for fall, and the rest, well that depends on your hips, your budget and your Cinderella fantasies.

The Jacket

Fall’s jackets are a little bit theatrical. Think Napoleon, Adam Ant and late seventies Oscar De la Renta and you have the jacket of the moment. Epaulets, snug square shoulders and high collars cut a flattering swathe and take us away from the predictable black leather jacket worn eternally by Meg Ryan and Rachel on “Friends.”

The romantic cut of this season’s jackets can be worn with a paisley silk scarf or romantic blouse with lacy frills for evening. During the day it looks best worn laid back: Try a roll neck sweater or long sleeved T in a bold stripe. The new tailored cavalry jacket’s waist skimming lines suit a slender trouser, jeans or a knee length slightly flared skirt.

The boot

Boots on the runways in Europe nudged the knees and reached thigh high at Gucci. A more moderate version looks hot reaching the top of the calf and sports a slightly lower heel — the better to stride rather than hobble. After years of pointed toes, boots for fall are less witchy and sport a rounder toe.

The beauty of investing in a great pair of boots is the sex appeal they lend seemingly innocent and even plain items. Boots transform a gray wool shift, a kilt or a little hand knitted cardigan into something sassy. Wear them bare legged with a straight tweed skirt and a cavalry jacket to lead the stampede.

The crazy knit

The sensible cashmere twin set in pretty pastels has passed. In its place are English eccentrics: sweater vests with sweet rows of knitted stitches across the front. Softening the edges of tailored skirts and trousers are hand knits made to look like jackets, cable knits in shrunken proportions and tight little cardigans sporting whimsical buttons. Pull one on and the season when libraries, long walks and bicycle rides through crunchy leaves beckons.

The pencil skirt

Women cringe when this skirt shape comes back, reaching for killer heels and Spanx® power panties to straighten their lines. If your shape is string bean, by all means wriggle into the season’s herringbone tweed pencil skirts. The rest of us can avail the alternatives: leather skirts flared slightly at the hip, wool lycra (infinitely forgiving) or a sweet little kilt.

Try a straight skirt one size bigger — just don’t buy a thing until you’ve found a coordinating dream jacket. A tightly tailored top affords a longer, more generous skirt, and tall boots shave pounds off your frame. Above all keep your skirt plain: no flounces, no distressed denim and absolutely no chunky hip belts.

The bag

After so many slouchy suede shoulder bags, fringed denim duffels and canvas weekenders, the pleasure of an autumn bag dwells in its structure. Tapestry carpet bags ala Mary Poppins and little velvet handbags for night add a dash of Victorian splendor to streamlined suits and military jackets.

Corsets, crosses and curls

Plan for 1890s decadence this fall. Corsets in velvet and damask worn with chokers, crystal crosses and sweeping skirts make an office girl feel like a Russian empress. To complete the image trade your blow-out for a curling iron or let your natural kinks tumble dry. Romance the look with a velvet muff, or something more subtle like rich plum lipstick or a black velvet ribbon tied around one wrist. With this look, a little goes a long way: a glimpse of lace stocking beneath a sober suede skirt, a Victorian necklace with a straight suit or a little black dress in velvet instead of crepe are fall’s passionate pleasures.

Since the seventies the college uniform has been denim. Denim skirts, denim totes, denim hats and denim jeans (from hipsters to 501s and back again). Since the seventies the business uniform has been suits. Pant suits, velvet suits, pinstripe suits, summer weight suits and basic black suits.

Making the leap from the world of casual to the world of corporate chic isn’t easy. It’s hard not to feel like your dressed like an air hostess when you suddenly have to button a blouse and wear those strange creations known as pumps. And despite radical changes in fashion, there are certain classics that bosses seem to love: the crisp tailored shirt, the pencil skirt, the neat cashmere sweater and the well cut suit.

Few women aggressively power dress these days, with shoulder pads ala Working Girl, but a certain formality to work wear endures. No matter what job you’re going for after college you’re going to have to dress for it. It seems unfair to add a new wardrobe to your expenses when you’re probably already shouldering a huge student loan, but there are savvy ways around it. Build yourself an economical little capsule wardrobe — a small group of pieces that can get you out the door to any interview anytime and have you looking organized on a Monday morning no matter how hard you reveled the night before. Start like this…

INTEGRATE YOUR STYLE

Unless you attended a Mormon college, it’s doubtful your wardrobe is already equipped with knee length skirts and navy blazers. Just the idea of sensible, classic, “basics” is offensive to a free spirit. What about color? What about dread locks? What about wearing more than one earring on each lobe? If your style is more Lauryn Hill than Laura Bush you can still land that job; simply learn to work your style over to balance eccentricity with elegance. Buy a blazer in chunky corduroy or cotton velvet for fall, team it with a basic black knee-high boot, a black turtleneck and a narrow tweedy skirt. Express yourself with a gorgeous vintage scarf or a pair of hand knitted gloves. Such little pleasures worn outside the office keep you feeling quirky and alive. Nobody types in gloves!

MODESTY BLAZE

Skimpy singlet tops, low rider jeans, sheer peasant blouses and other flirty items reduce your smarts off campus. Older co-workers, leering old farts and bosses have predictable reactions to the prime of youth so it does pay to veil it. Wear a bra (yawn!), wear slightly more neutral makeup (double yawn!) and lower your hemline to the knee. It might feel like you’re going to church rather than to work, but a sense of modesty will take you far. The best protection against female envy and male sexism is a little black dress and a tasteful trench coat. Dressing chic rather than cheap gives you an authority beyond your years.

EXPERIMENT WITH DIFFERENT STORES

Malls are divided tribally. There are “girl” stores and Mom stores and a weird category in the middle that sells cheap little suits and black high heels to women who are neither. No one under 25 should have to wear chocolate brown, navy blue or sand! With this stated, I urge you to experiment with your shopping. Blend a trendy item from a store like H&M with a smart piece from Banana Republic. Try a straight looking pair of black Capris with a cool beaded cardigan. Some lace stockings with sober ballet flats. Cross-shopping shifts your mindset away from the idea of a total look,and, each store has their own. You might find a perfectly good long sleeved black jersey top at the Gap that is screaming for a velvet jacket from Betsey Johnson. Whatever you do, don’t let one sales assistant make you over for a job interview. I still own the hideous black wool “slacks” bought at Country Road one insecure moment when I was 27 that made me look 57.

BUILD YOUR BASICS

I left college fifteen years ago, and I still need three black skirts (one for day, one for PMS bloat, one for evening), a nice cashmere cardigan, a neat short black overcoat, a pair of black flats and crisp white blouse. Without these basics my wardrobe spins into a vortex of ragged vintage dresses, strange caftan blouses, leopard print camisoles and other thoroughly un-professional indulgences. Your capsule wardrobe wish list might be a little different. You might prefer burgundy to black, pants or boots to flats but the reigning principle is this: It doesn’t matter how plain an item is if you can wear it six ways, make it last six seasons and see it in more than three very different situations. A little black dress that stretches from job interview, to office to cocktail party is your new best friend!

GROOM RATHER THAN SPEND

Looking smooth is more important than looking expensive. Invest in a manicure set, cuticle oil, tweezers, a weekly hair at-home hair treatment and a haircut that can shake and blow dry in five minutes flat. Make sure your shoes look clean and shiny and carry extra hose in your handbag. Before you leave the house check for pilling, creases, fallen bra straps and VPL (visible panty line). Once you harness the Joan Crawford routine of giving yourself a once-over in the hall mirror, you’ll have the power to make the simplest outfits look presentable. Basically, it’s a confidence trick of looking more together than you are. Over time you’ll start to believe your own publicity.