The day I turned 29 I threw out everything in my wardrobe that was chocolate brown or cut soberly to the knee. Investing in a pair of black leather go-go boots, I proceeded to wear emerald green eyeliner, tousled Bardot-style hair, a bodysuit and hipster cords. It didn’t take a shrink to tell me I was desperately fighting the fact that I would soon be 30. Eight years later on my 37th birthday, out came the eyeliner, the big hair, the high-heeled boots and the slippery little dress. Guess who’s fighting 40?

Armed with a jar of Crème de la Mer and a new petal-pink MAC lipstick called Lovelorn, I expect to pout and shimmy my way around the problem. Vogue might coax me to wear a sensible bone-colored trench coat, some beige linen cargo pants and a fluffy little hairdo that softens my laugh lines like Meg Ryan. Harper’s Bazaar might weigh in favoring a conservative, classic little suit and Botox, but I’m not ready for all that. In fact, I will never be ready for earth-colored eye shadow, discreet cosmetic surgery or pebble-colored Armani, and I am sure millions of women at this precipice they call “middle youth” feel the same.

The canyon that exists between Juicy Couture sweats and elastic-waist chinos leaves us all stuck between a rock and bad look. If style is a department store, then there’s a floor missing between teen fashion on one, career woman on two and Grandma’s knitted things on three. It is assumed that 40-somethings are either running the boardroom in a sexless tailored suit or ruling a tribe of kids in jeans and sweats—without much joy in between. Given the gap, many women feel obliged to either ape a much younger style or conform to that weirdly sexless category known as “smart casuals”: boat-necked cashmere sweaters, knee-length A-line linen skirts and brushed-cotton pastel pea coats. Ugh.

“Classics” can easily be an excuse for camouflage. Necklines slowly creep up, hems slip down and perfectly fit figures start to obscure themselves in discreet layers. “Mom” clothes are supposed to be sporty and spill-proof but who said you can’t cook a casserole with a pinch of cleavage? Nigella Lawson does it beautifully. The idea of age-appropriate style is due for a fashion backlash because it is a popular notion that conceals a lie: that women get less sexy as they age and that they should defer sensuality to the young. But I’m not ready to move over just yet. Are you?

Sure, all of us make bargains with maturity. A pink angora sweater looks odd with crow’s feet. But other than the obvious physical changes, aging is a matter of style as well as gravitational pull. Anne Bancroft was only 36 when she played Mrs. Robinson, the ultimate older woman in The Graduate. Yet her hair-sprayed chignon, heavy black eyeliner and severe tailoring made her look prematurely hardened. Looking older is not the natural result of being older. At 28, Grace Kelly was famous for her handbag but not for those frumpy bouclé suits and chunky low heels. Even Princess Rania of Jordan looks chic beyond her years, and so did Jackie-O in her Camelot era. Elegance makes everyone look 40—even Madonna. Perhaps even she came to realize that there’s a time to dress for dinner and wear pearls and heels that don’t feel borrowed.

Dressing like a lady is one of the pleasures of being a grown-up and not a girl. It is also an art. European women understand this but they stretch the conventions so they never look starchy. If glamour is the consolation prize for lost collagen, they work it. Reveling in outrageous perfumes and trailing Missoni scarves, the French and the Italians wear womanhood like a badge of honor. Fruity, full-blown and a bit nonchalant, they’ll team a black tuxedo jacket with jeans, high heels and a studded Sonia Rykiel bag. These women, sporting bracelets they found in India, a beret from the flea market or a single diamond earring, look deliberately ripe…experienced…
wonderful.

Just look at Florida-native Lauren Hutton hopping on her motorbike in silk parachute pants. Or Jane Birkin, all crinkly eyes and tangled long mane ordering another café au lait at Cafe Flore. Witness Susan Sarandon saucy in yet another corset dress and the thought of freezing your face into a static mask of youth just fades. The stars that do less to their faces do so much more as role models: They are fluid and scarred, tanned and defiant—alive. Nipped, tucked and dieted into size-two Dolce and Gabbana, the women who violently cheat their age look attractive but anxious, like custodians vigilantly trapped inside a museum of their own beauty.

Beauty after 40 does takes work, but it shouldn’t feel like a job. I delegate the moisture, elasticity and protection of my almost-40 face to a lot of bottled water and a handful of jars and potions: MD Skincare Maximum Moisture Treatment by night, Nuxe Phytochoc Lift Emulsion by day, Clarins Special Eye Contour Balm 24/7 and Molton Brown Liplift Formula lipstick on days when my lips look set to disappear altogether. Beyond this kit, I’ve found other ways to keep the bloom blossoming: Galumphing around in the snow gulping down fresh air, singing aloud, laughing hysterically, eating herring with ice-cold riesling and making love in the afternoon are also crucial beauty aids rarely listed for “older skin”.

There is no doubt that workouts, a good colorist and an even better bra make good sense, but a passionate personal style is even more important. At 55 my mother has just bought six yards of forest-green fake fur and cut velvet to make an opera coat. At 57 my girlfriend Wendy is trawling the markets of Shanghai for the perfect black silk cheongsam jacket. At 65-plus Helene is wearing a forest of art deco bangles while she paints. These women are not sitting around grieving the loss of a bikini belly, and this summer neither shall I. Forty is no longer a milestone at the start of a style Sahara. Right now I am marching towards it with a mixture of defiance and curiosity: three-inch Cuban heels, DVF wrap dress, five-pound hand weights and all!

10 fashion moments only a 40-year-old can get right:

1. Wearing Yves Saint Laurent’s Opium to breakfast

2. Stealing her husband’s shirts, ties or even his pants if she needs to

3. Teaming a Chanel jacket with jeans

4. Tying a Hermés scarf around the handle of her handbag

5. A real-deal, full-length ballgown

6. Diamonds at brunch and a seriously fake cocktail ring

7. Camellias on a lapel

8. A dress shirt and a black-leather pencil skirt

9. A classic Chanel handbag

10. Red lipstick with red high heels

How can I make caring for twins easier?

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. After all, caring for one child is daunting enough for many new parents, and having two at the same time can be a real jolt. Often, such concerns are unwittingly reinforced by the reactions of friends and family. Remember that no parents receive all the support they need; every new mom and dad could use more time, help, training, money and emotional backing.

With twins, these needs double, and more. You’ll require much more help than just your partner can give, so resist the urge to blame him — or yourself — when stress starts to build, and reach out for help. Find out whether your insurance plan will pay for a home visit from a nurse, or consider hiring a doula to help out during the first days or weeks at home. “Make sure you have family or friends on call if you need them,” advises Emma of New Zealand, the mother of identical girls, Charlotte and Alaina. “You have to let people know exactly what you want. Tell them politely to go away if you don’t want them there, but don’t be too proud to ask for help if you need it.”

Emma says she coped by relaxing her standards. “You have to come to terms with the fact that there are not enough hours in the day to keep the house spanking clean,” she says. “And if you just concentrate on the babies for at least the first three months, you will be a lot less stressed about everything.” She was lucky enough to have a mother who dropped in every day for weeks and did the dishes — then disappeared. “That type of help you really need.”

Can I still breastfeed with twins?

Sure. Feeding two is no harder because increased demand increases milk production. Finding a method that works may take some practice and patience, however. The trick is to find a comfortable position that works for you. Geri Martin Wilson, mother of two sets of twins in Palo Alto, Calif., breastfed her first twins until they were 2 years old and she’s still breastfeeding the second set, now nine months old. She uses a twin nursing pillow with each twin’s head cradled in a hand. Simultaneous nursing saves time and has other benefits as well. “Nursing at the same time helps put them on the same nap schedule,” says Martin Wilson. “If one wakes up at night, 95 percent of the time we wake the other up and I nurse him or her, too.”

But for Teresa Edgington of Cincinnati, things weren’t so simple. In the beginning, she tried nursing both twins, but her boy, Christian, didn’t nurse well and required lots of bottles, so Teresa switched her strategy. “It became easier to nurse one and bottle-feed the other,” she says. “Emi is predominantly breastfed and Christian nurses for comfort.”

How long a maternity leave should I plan on taking?

Like most women who’ve just given birth, you’re probably wondering how you can possibly juggle a job with parenting twins. But the deciding factors still come down to what works best for you and your family, your babies’ health, how you feel physically and emotionally, your financial circumstances and your workplace environment.

As for maternity leave, the 1993 Family and Medical Leave Act provides up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave after you give birth. Companies with fewer than 50 employees — the vast majority — are exempt, although they may have their own policies. If you work in a three-person office and you’re indispensable, you may find it tough to take time off.

On the other hand, with no strict guidelines imposed by law, you may be able to work out your own informal arrangement. “The plus side for those people working for smaller employers is that there may be more room to negotiate,” says Jennifer Kosko, who took 10 weeks’ maternity leave from her job as vice president of meetings and trade shows for an association. She then worked full-time until her twins were 3 years old and now does part-time consulting.

You may also be surprised to learn that when you’re pregnant with twins or more, your employer isn’t obligated by law to allow you any more time off than if you were having one baby. However, many mothers of twins find getting back into the swing of things more difficult. If you feel you need more time off, consider discussing the matter with your company’s human resources department, or talk to your boss about taking an extended leave or part-time or work-from-home arrangements. You may also decide to take a break from your career. Remember, whatever you decide works for you is the right answer to this question.

How can I find other parents of twins to talk to?

Parents of twins will empathize with your situation like no one else can. Jennifer Kosko, president of the Fairfax County, Virginia, chapter of the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs, has attended the group’s meetings since she became pregnant. “There are a lot of things that can make your life easier and it’s worth investigating, even if you’re not one of those joiners,” she says.

Case in point: Many mothers of twins find the gawking and comments that people can make insensitive and inappropriate. “You’re still put on display …, and it’s nice to come home to this group and not feel that way,” says Kosko. “When you’ve got one baby on one knee and you’re burping the other, nobody bats an eye.”

Mothers in Kosko’s group share tips on how to deal with well-meaning relatives and friends, shop for the right baby products and equipment, save money and stay sane — information you’re not going to get from parenting classes.

Contact the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs (800-243-2276) for a referral to a club in your community, or try the Triplet Connection (209-474-0885). “My local twins club morning coffee has been fantastic for establishing contact with other mothers of multiples,” says Emma. “I started going when I was pregnant to get a bit of a feel for it — a bit scary at first, but it is better than being thrown in the deep end,” she says.

If no club is near you, another option is communicating via e-mail, which Emma uses to stay connected to mothers of twins all over the world. “It’s fantastic to have contact with other parents of multiples, as some baby advice doesn’t always prove useful when you are coping with more than one,” she says. “It’s nice to know that someone out there has been through it all, too.”

There is no such thing as morally neutral fashion, the writer Martin Amis once quipped, and anyone who works in an office knows what he means.

Success dressing in many ways is style under pressure, that delicate balance between personal flair and professional clout.

I honed my own professional dress code from many messy encounters with laddered stockings, low-cut blouses and one very strange canary-yellow linen suit bought in 1987.

My manifesto for office fashion now is simplification. Deep down, we all know which clothes make us feel strong and baby pink angora sweaters are not on that list.

Know the code

Every office has an unspoken uniform. At Vogue, it’s Monolo Blahnik. At Harper’s Bazaar, Jimmy Choo, and in a less fashionista environment, there are still subliminal sartorial laws.

Secretaries in mini skirts and company directors in suits happen for a reason. The mini skirt conveys the freedom of a job with low responsibility and even lower mobility. Unless you are Erin Brockovich, a push-up bra does not equal a pay raise or the ability to change the world.

To dress within the code of your office without feeling like a conformist drone means tweaking your personal style. At the office where I work,(an almost all-female publishing house) pencil skirts, pumps and little twin sets are the norm. Like wearing a school uniform, such deliberately egalitarian style levels out great wealth, great beauty or a great pair of legs.

Having none of the above, I wear basic little sweaters and kilts in winter and a little less skin in summer with great relief. Dressing modestly sends
out the message that you are at work to get the job done not to strut and preen. Puritan work ethic? Certainly, but a lot can be done in between a little white shirt and some navy blue shoes.

Get serious

The more intellectual or powerful your work environment, the more fashion fripperies are frowned upon. Perfectly dreary but true. Chanel understood this principle and designed for women with work ethic accordingly. “Be a caterpillar by day and a butterfly by night,”‘ she chided, wearing her invisibly elegant little suits everyday.

Office chic shares that sense of focus. It is clothing that looks good but doesn’t get in the way of what you have to do and what you have to say. If you need an eccentric expression siphon it into intense little accessories: a bright red handbag with a little black dress; silver Mary Janes with a navy blue pin-striped suit; Italian stockings under a perfectly sober shift. In a somber environment, a little spice goes a long way.

Be consistent

I once had a boss who would double take at least once a week and ask me my name. Dressed in disco-glitter eye shadow one day and starchy suit the next, I had a tendency to disappear inside my clothes, inviting people to ask, “Who’s the new girl?” The eclectic work wardrobe might help you love Mondays, but it is downright disorienting to fuddy-duddy senior management. Unless you are a fashion stylist (who style-surf for a living), try to anchor yourself into a stable image: the most capable looking version of  you.

Own one great suit

A suit you love is like armor. You slip it on and immediately feel ready for a bank manager, nasty memo or aggressive cold call session on a Monday
morning.

Buy a suit that is not too tight across the bosom or the hip. One with fabric that gives and doesn’t crease after a whole day of sitting and one that can travel across seasons. When you buy the suit also snap up two blouses and a sweater that match, stretching one outfit into three. If you are allergic to formality, buy a gorgeous floral pin and stick it to your lapel. Natty dressing can still have whims.

Dress three pay rises ahead

Dressing a few tiers above your station is not pretentious, it’s sensible. The only way bosses can imagine you in a more powerful position is to
visualize you there. Give them a helping hand by looking sleek. Interns do this all the time, looking as if they are on salary even if they are wearing a very well ironed shirt from the Gap sale rack. Smart girls.

Time Travel

If contemporary work style leaves you cold why not pilfer from other eras? Hollywood always went to work in style. Think of Faye Dunaway’s slick

little blouses in “Network” Try a silk tie and a waist coat ala “Annie Hall,”, or steal a great pair of pants taken straight from Katherine Hepburns closet in “Woman of the Year.”

The standard convention of a skirt stuck at mid-calf and a little silk shell under a navy blue jacket with gold buttons reminds me of TV anchor women and air hostesses. If you don’t actually perform those duties why dress that way?

Shop on weekends

Schlumping into the shops on a Thursday night to recreate a new work identity is a big mistake. Exhaustion is apt to make you buy a ghastly Laura Bush pant suit or a long beige knit dress. Try instead to shop for work clothes with the same pleasure you’d give to lingerie or shoe shopping on a sprightly Sunday afternoon. Carry magazine pages if you have to and take a friend you trust.

Get groomed for the top

Hair. Nails. Shoes. Check for these along with your keys as you dash out  the door. It’s a little grooming mantra that I have yet to really master but works beautifully in businesses where people actually have to look at you. Grooming is more important than expensive clothes, it shows respect and makes you feel pulled together even if you are imploding. I always type faster after a manicure.

Encapsulate your style

I didn’t believe in capsule dressing until I went on a 15-city book tour. After that I started buying pantyhose by the dozen and sweaters in pairs.

My ultimate basic work wardrobe is built on this:

1. Three black skirts (of course). One to the knee (which double as a suit skirt), one for fat days and one for evening (because last minute opera tickets cannot be refused).
2. Three crush-proof white blouses.
3. One great black jacket.
4. Four cashmere sweaters, three cotton. (packs small, travels across seasons).
5. One great sturdy handbag with a satellite for evening stashed inside.
6. One print dress (vintage or otherwise).
7. One pair of Capri pants.
8. Ballet flats/boots/low heeled pumps.

Building your wardrobe from black doesn’t mean wearing all black. You can go hog wild accessorizing.  Color is the ultimate mood lifter at work and a great way to make basically sensible dress feel sexy. I love hot pink on Mondays for energy and pale blue on Fridays for pretending to be calm. Your black skirts don’t have to feel predictable either. Try them long in a suede maxi, sensuous in a silk wrap or artsy in a an unusual fabric like chunk corduroy.